å Sunday, November 5th, 2017

A time in which I was treated as an outsider was when I was in high school I had joined the junior varsity volleyball team in high school. I had felt like an outsider because the high school I attended was predominantly white people school. Being a Mexican I knew I was a minority and that fitting in wasn’t so easy. I had a diverse group of friends in the school but the team was mostly made up of tall white girls. They were always with each other in a group and I had initially joined the team with one of my best friends who was Puerto Rican but she had quit. It was difficult fitting in at times though they were nice to me they wouldn’t include me in events outside of the team while the rest of the team was invited. Eventually I made friends with other people who also were not in their group. Patricia Hill Collins in her essay “Learning from the Outsiders Within” states how these oppressive experiences can give us a lot to learn from. If we look at these experiences in a new light we can learn how by being exposed to this sort of treatments make us stronger and help us find ways of dealing and fighting against these forms of oppression. Instead of giving in and changing our habits in order to avoid the stereotypes, we should embrace it and use it to our advantage. Collins gives an example of this by using the stereotype that is targeted against black women about them being too assertive and not feminine enough. These statements are often used to oppress them but Collin says how instead black women should use their assertiveness to get what they need. By embracing these stereotypes that are meant to put us down we can gain confidence, learn how to deal with these issues, and learn to value oneself.

When I think of the word outsider, I think of something that doesn’t belong like a tomato in a fruit basket. Although it looks like a fruit and is shelved in the fruit section deep down its a vegetable, no matter how much the tomato looks or is placed like a fruit its a vegetable, an outsider. Much throughout my life I’ve lived in communities that were predominately made of a single race and it wasn’t mine, more often than not I would feel like I’m different walking through the streets or being in class. I recall one time I was walking home from school and a group of kids that were older than me walked by me saying a word in their language followed by a burst of laughter. I knew what the word meant but didn’t really understand what was really going on. The word they said meant Chinese, I didn’t really think much of it but as it began to occur more and more often with different kids and even by adults at times I began to understand that I wasn’t accepted to some extend for who I was, for being something I had no control in. I felt like I was different no just from the physical differences that stood us apart but on a deeper level, in a way I’m like a tomato in the supermarket being shelved next to all the fruits. In Patricia Hill-Collins’s, “Learning from the outsider within,” she talks about not letting what others think define who you are but rather allow yourself to define who you are, not to be succumbed by stereotypes or racial words. When I look at it today I can say that I will every now and then fall in line or be define by stereotypes, Collins believed that we should be rejecting them and let others judge us by the person we actually are.

Well I’ve always felt to some degree that I was an outsider in anything that I was a part of. I don’t exactly mesh perfectly in anything which is something that I am fine with, but it’s also something that does feel very isolating and makes me wonder how one would go about functioning normally. I sometimes find myself questioning minuscule actions just to make sure that I am doing things as others do them, purely because I don’t have this contextual subconscious knowledge about social norms and behaviors that seems so natural for everyone else. Of course, this is with the assumption that other people don’t feel the same way that I do, which I am sure isn’t the case at all. Yet, carefully extrapolating this isolation mindset that seems common among all people, leaves you with this… I guess confusion. Particularly as a male, generally speaking there’s a lot of things a guy can do that are just seen as creepy that if a woman were to do them, it would be fine. Which, I guess in turn, adds to that isolation and feeling as though you perhaps don’t belong to anything or anyone. What’s particularly fascinating is that everyone has their own reason for feeling as though they don’t belong, and all are unique to each individual, but the feeling itself is universal. However, it’s also something we’re apparently allergic to when it comes to helping others it seems. And I wish I knew why that was, perhaps it’s due to our growing comfort of having things the way that they are when they are good, and only focusing on ourselves when things are bad. I can’t be sure of it, really.

As for what Collins has to say about these experiences, from what I gather, is that it doesn’t permit you to be fully immersed as this unique experience to being not a part of the group creates a kind of unique group of its own? It seems to me that’s where she is headed, where you kinda have your foot in one group and the other foot in another group. And in doing so, you create this middle space that isn’t quite clearly defined where you essentially don’t belong to either but the middle doesn’t exist yet because of the nature of trying to fit in and trying to be a part of something that isn’t meant for you. At least that’s what I think that she’s getting at.

There have been countless times that I have felt like an outsider in my life and a lot of those experiences are too personal to share. Growing up, my mother was very strict about the education of me and my siblings. We would always have to have a two books on hand when we were going out- in case we finished one, we’d always have another one. We’d also always have to write weekly book reports, do our homework before anything social, review all the material for school and read ahead so we’d always know what was coming next. This strict regimen that I had to follow didn’t help me in elementary school. Going to a predominantly black school I would fit in perfectly. However, I was labeled an “oreo” by the rest of my classmates.The thought process what this: I was black on the outside because of my skin tone but white on the inside because of the way I carried myself. I didn’t use slang, I liked to read, I played the violin, I prefer classical, rock, alternative, jazz, pop, and country music to hip hop and rap, I took ballroom and tap dancing, outside of school I hung out with people with different backgrounds, I preferred converse to jordan’s and my clothes were from L.L Bean rather than whatever was popular back then. I didn’t have many friends, but I did have my twin sister, with whom I’d hang out with at lunch. Some of the friends I had before brushed me off as if they didn’t know me and snickered along with all the other kids in my class. Sometimes, they even got physical, which resulted in countless trips to the nurse’s office. I felt like an outsider because the one group of people that I thought was suppose to accept me, rejected me. My classmates talked to me when they needed me to help them with their work or when they wanted some of the snacks my mom packed for me in my lunchbox. I felt like I didn’t belong and my only escape for a long time was staying with my teachers, going to the nurse, or waiting for my mom to pick me up after school.

Patricia Hill-Collins’s believes these kinds of experiences can teach us that we could learn about oppression and sociality through shared experiences. She explains that although individuals may have different perspectives on specific experience, a group of people who have experienced the same thing will have common perceptions. But, with different factors such as age, sexuality, class, or education shaping an individual’s life, there will be different views of the commonalities shares within the group. She also says that once you are aware that you are being oppressed, you can validate a proper response to being oppressed. You are able to take control and affect the outcome of your experiences.

I have struggled with and have felt like an outsider most all of my life. As a gay Hispanic male I struggled with self acceptance and looked everywhere outside of myself to fill the voids I have felt. Society has dictated through the media that all homosexuals are flamboyant, have high pitched voices with a lisp, and are overly feminine. I did not understand that being gay was not set by these characteristics, that in fact it went beyond these stereotypes. Yet once I was able to become more self accepting and made gay friends, I found myself still struggling because for some gay men, I just was not gay enough. Adding to the complexity of finding my way, was my Puerto Rican and Spanish ethnicity. I am the oldest of my four siblings and it is goes unspoken that the eldest son of a single mom family takes on that father figure role. I grew up in my culture speaking Spanish fluently, yet never fit in with the gay Hispanics. Apparently because my skin is fairer and I do not have an accent, I was not thought of as a Spanish person by anyone. My family moved to Pennsylvania into a very white country town where we were one of 5 ethnically different, non white families. It was a complete shock and as Collin’s mentions the oppression I felt, I began to feel was better if I just blended. Eventually they would call me “whitey” and it carried with me far into adulthood even within the gay Hispanic community, as a way of keeping me on the outside of my own culture and heritage. And it even today when I go to my local Dominican family-owned bodega I am on the outside looking in. There will be a line, where the people in front of me will have full Spanish conversations with the owner, and when it comes my turn to checkout, the owner goes back to speaking English, even after I start the conversation in Spanish. No matter that I have told him over and over that I am Spanish he will always respond to me in English. I suppose as Patricia Collins writes in her essay, that I have used this to my advantage even though I did not realize it. It has given me different perspectives of the differences in Hispanic and gay culture, allowing me to become more accepting and more aware of myself.

Growing up, I remember my classrooms consisting of predominately white children. Throughout high school there were a few incidences where I was the only person of color in my class. My school district primarily consisted of the white upper middle class so naturally I have felt like an outsider on multiple occasions. Although my school district consisted of largely white children there would usually be around 2-5 “outsiders” in a class. The first occasion in which I truly felt like an outsider was in second grade. In the mornings there would be ESL and speech instructors as well as math tutors who would go from classroom to classroom to pick up their students for a quick sessions before the  actual school day commenced. On one day I had a substitute teacher who was not aware of the group of kids who were assigned to go. As the ESL, speech and math instructors left my classroom I had gotten up to sharpen my pencil, when I returned to my seat the teacher asked me in front of all my classmates, “Don’t you have to go?”. I said no and carried on with my work. Throughout the day, I was confused I did not understand why he singled me out – I felt embarrassed. I later realized that I was the only non white person in the classroom after the assigned students had left. Before this day I was not fully aware that my external appearance could form preconceived notions about me. I became conscious. According to Collins this is a vital role in order to self define and self valuate. Once one becomes aware that they are being discriminated or oppressed they are able to determine form their true selves. This true self must establish “their analytical, emotional and ethical perspective of themselves and their place in society …” (1986:23). This meaning that one must know where they place themselves on the hierarchy in order and where others place them. This ignites action against it and promotes activism to fight oppression.

As a youth, there were many instances where I felt as though I was an outsider. The majority of students enrolled in both my elementary school and middle school originated from financially and socially fortunate families. Most of my friends and the student body were able to afford the quality clothing, school supplies, and other commodities. Their families were so fortunate that they were able to afford luxury cars, expensive family excursions, and vacation homes in addition to their permanent residence. I, however, received clothing that was either thrifted or passed down to me from older family members, meaning they were often too large for my much smaller form, or were damaged in a very noticeable shape or form. I could not afford even a handful of the things that my fellow youths had access to. Furthermore, I have lived within the projects all my life, surrounded by people who spend their entire lives being unproductive and simply selling illegal substances that they use to make themselves appear as powerful and important figures that they are in fact not. All of my friends from the past lived in buildings equipped with fancy looking furniture and doormen their entire lives. These were all things that I was not accustomed to. The differences that existed between my friends, fellow students, and I made me feel as though I didn’t belong in the same environment as them.

In Patricia Hill-Collins’ essay Learning from the Outsider Within: The Sociological Significance of Black Feminist Thought, Collins states that one trait of the social construct identified a oppression is that it is based on the organization of both animate and inanimate beings according to the ways in which they differ from one another. Collins claims that certain members of society can be led to believe that they are justified in deeming others as outcasts if they are the “insiders” that possess similar experiences, histories, and knowledge.

Being an “outsider” is a soft word for feeling like an outcast. I have felt like this for the majority of my life and I still struggle with feeling like an “outsider” to this very day. Most experiences I have had with feeling like a “outsider” are very violent and bring back terrible memories from my past. Sharing this information with anyone else wouldn’t be appropriate and necessary for a public college discussion. Instead I can give a more controlled and less emotionally felt experience in my life as feeling like a “outsider”. In elementary school I grew up in an impoverished and violent neighborhood. I didn’t have the proper hygiene products to make me a likable student in school and my eczema was untreated and most of the time bloody and unattractive. Wearing ripped, smelly clothing and being physically unattractive made people avoid me. No one wanted to socialize with me. I never went to a birthday party, a get together, a dance or anything. I didn’t have no school supplies and I hadn’t read a book at all in elementary school . So the feeling of an outsider  followed me as I moved from school to school, it followed me into my home and it follows me even today in different forms. Patricia Hill Collins, “Learning from the Outsider within: The Social Significance of Black Feminist Thought” explains how these experiences teach black women about oppression and sociality. That being or feeling like an outsider allows them to realize how to distinguish themselves amongst other people and stereotypes like white women. That like the white women they too shared a similar source of oppression, the white man. Even though their oppression was felt in different degrees. Black women began to use their assertiveness and sass as functions that helped them survive. This enabled them to cope with and fend off oppression of being an “outsider”.

Patricia Hill Collins takes us on an oppressive journey. A time when white male were the dominant race and women were the lesser gender. Patricia opens with a very heart breaking detail of how both black and white women were extremely oppress except in different ways. Black women were the white man’s mule while white women were his dog. In order words, black women are exploit, for their labor, while white women were simply his wife and mother. In the end both women are dehumanize by patriarchal society; they were assign to different race, gender and roles. ​​​​​​​​​​​​​Patricia wants us to see the inequality and stereotype that women face in the past and what we encounter today. The history of inequality continue to live among us except, it changes it form, as society changes. I can relate the Ms. Collins. I too had experience stereotype and inequality. I once worked for a white male who did not pay me for sick days, no time and a half for holidays, I would never receive Christmas bonus, vacation pay not even a card for my birthday. Furthermore, there was a white employee; she was giving all these commodities while I was not. I remember one summer there was a heat wave and the house was blazing hot. I was sweating profusely and I asked, if the air condition could be on. He complied only to have it on, then quickly shutting it off after 10 minutes.
​Seconds later, his son arrived the air condition stayed on until he left. I remember his son commented, on how wonderfully cool it was in his home, and how he wish he could remain indoors than sadly having to go outside. This was the dealing breaking point in my life, I decided to quit that very day. I told him this is not a sweat job and by law, the air condition should be on not only when some arrive. I decided it was not worth losing my life and dying over some meager pay. In the end I understood what lies for me; I realized the importance of race gender and class.

Living in New York City alone often makes me feel like an outsider. There is a vast diversity of residents living in NYC and most of the times, I feel that the only place I can truly be myself is when I am home. In rare occasions, I would hear someone say a racist comment as I walk by, and my response is that I just ignore them and think nothing much of it. After reading Patricia Hill-Collins’s, “Learning from the outsider within,” it made it realize that maybe by ignoring it and not responding to it, I am actually succumbing to the oppression. Hill-Collins tells us that victims of oppression should be actively rejecting the stereotypes that dehumanizes and exploits. Moreover, the absence of objection is the same as accepting one’s “otherness” and allowing the oppression to go on. I believe that Hill-Collins is trying to persuade the readers that oppression is something we must actively fight against. When one becomes used to being subjugated, then one tends to forget their own value and start thinking about themselves in a way that society has shaped them to be. Oppression will continue to exist if the oppressed is unable to recognize when they are falling victim to objectification.

When I’m not in school, I am usually surrounded by people of my own race. I spend time with my family, go to Korean supermarkets, Korean restaurants, and Korean church. Maybe the reason why I sometimes feel so unfazed to racist comments is because I am able to feel so at home with my family and know there’s a community that I belong to. However, when I meet with my non-Asian friends, it becomes difficult to share my cultural experiences and I find myself trying to suppress that cultural part of myself. In opposition, Hill-Collins stresses the importance of being able to embrace ourselves and let out all of our qualities, because that enables us to truly find ourselves and reject what the rest of the world thinks of us.